Kindness isn’t a lesson plan or a single “aha” moment—it’s a mix of messy parenting, little teachable moments, and the hope that somehow, all the effort sticks.
I have two kids, and they’ve taught me just as much about kindness as I’ve tried to teach them. My oldest is what people might call “a gentle soul.” Polite, mild-mannered, and so kind that strangers have stopped me to comment on it. When he was a toddler, meltdowns were practically nonexistent—I can count them on one hand.
And then there’s my youngest. She’s the wildcard in our family—passionate and stubborn, with more meltdowns in a single day than her brother had in his entire toddlerhood. Her emotions run deep, and while her passion sometimes leads to big feelings, it’s also what fuels her compassion.
With such different personalities, you might assume kindness came naturally to one and would be a struggle for the other. But here’s the thing: kindness isn’t as straightforward as it seems.
A Moment That Made Me Rethink Kindness
I’ll never forget the day my son surprised me at the playground. He was around two or three when we encountered an albino child. At first, he simply stared, clearly unsure of what to make of someone who looked so different. Then, to my shock, he tried to kick the child away.
I was floored. This wasn’t the child I thought I knew.
But as the surprise wore off, I realized it wasn’t about malice or cruelty. It was about something deeper—a natural, human reaction to something unfamiliar. Fear, confusion, or discomfort can show up in unexpected ways, even in a child who seems wired for kindness.
That moment taught me a valuable lesson: kindness isn’t just about being gentle or polite. It’s about learning to embrace what’s different, even when it feels strange or uncomfortable.
So, Can You Teach Kindness?
The short answer? Yes—but it takes time, patience, and intentional effort. Kindness isn’t just something kids are born with. It’s a skill, like learning to read or riding a bike. And like any skill, it requires practice and guidance.
Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:
1. Kindness Starts with You
Children are sponges. They absorb what they see, not just what you say. Show them what kindness looks like by practicing it in your daily life—whether it’s holding the door for someone, being patient in traffic, or speaking positively about others.
2. Normalize Differences
Expose your kids to a wide variety of people, cultures, and experiences. Books, shows, and toys that celebrate diversity can help your child see differences as something to be curious about, not fearful of.
3. Teach Empathy, Not Just Manners
Kindness isn’t just about saying “please” and “thank you.” It’s about understanding how others feel. Ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone said that to you?” or, “What do you think they’re feeling right now?”
4. Talk About Mistakes
Moments like my son’s playground reaction are opportunities to teach, not shame. But in that moment, I didn’t handle it as I wish I had. I was too embarrassed—I panicked. We left the playground in a hurry, and I missed the chance to turn it into a teaching moment.
Looking back, I realize what I should have done. I should have knelt down to my son’s level, acknowledged his reaction, and gently guided him through his feelings. I could have said, “I see you’re surprised because they look different from you. That’s okay to feel, but it’s not okay to hurt someone. Let’s go say hi and learn their name.”
Mistakes are inevitable—for both kids and parents. What matters is how we reflect, learn, and try again next time. That’s the real lesson in kindness.
5. When Teaching Kindness Feels Like a Challenge
With my youngest, teaching kindness has its own set of challenges. Her strong will and determination often mean compromise isn’t her first instinct. She doesn’t like to compromise or share her space, and when she feels strongly about something, she’ll dig her heels in.
What I’ve learned is that these moments aren’t failures—they’re opportunities. Instead of forcing her to “be kind” in a way that feels performative, I try to help her understand the “why” behind it. Why does it matter to let someone else have a turn? Why is it important to notice when someone’s feelings are hurt? These conversations aren’t easy or quick, but they plant seeds that I hope will grow over time.
Kindness Is a Journey
Kindness is a journey, not a destination. It’s not about raising perfect kids—it’s about meeting them where they are and giving them the tools to reflect, learn, and grow. With my oldest, it’s helping him navigate moments of discomfort with courage and understanding. With my youngest, it’s showing her how to channel her fierce independence into compassion and empathy.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s about raising ourselves a little along the way too—becoming more patient, more intentional, and more open to the lessons our kids teach us every day.
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